I have not written anything of substance or consequence for two months. Instead, I’ve dedicated myself wholeheartedly to yoga, to thinking about spirituality, and to my job. The break from writing was deliberate. I realized that it wasn’t bringing me any joy. I realized that I suffer from the same perfectionism I suffered from when I was 14 years old, and that felt remarkably sad.
I also found out that my ex-boyfriend is having a baby with the 20-something woman he had an affair with while we were together for I don’t know how long before the relationship ended.
About the affair—I found out a couple months ago (see last blog post) because I have an aunt who live in Indiana who I haven’t seen for years who friended me on Facebook . I spend very little time on Facebook, but whenever I would log on, I’d have a notification that she’d invited me to play some random game with zombie or candy or saga in the title. I clicked over to settings to see if there was a way to block her from sending these invitations and ended up on the screen that listed the people I had blocked on Facebook.
There, listed above my boyfriend’s name, was a name I didn’t recognize because it was her name paired with his last name, a pairing I couldn’t make sense of until a few seconds later, I realized: oh, they did actually get married. Then, a couple masochistic google searches later, I landed on their baby registry. This felt like the quintessential example of why living in the age of social media can be more soul-crushing than just about anything. So I stopped looking at social media. I stopped online dating. I started to go to yoga 4-5 times a week and to practice every morning and every evening at home.
And I have been feeling better—lifted up into more jovial moods than ever before. When I’m thinking clearly, I am grateful that my ex boyfriend left me. This led me to find yoga and friends I never would have made otherwise. Sometimes there are blessings tucked inside the tragedies of our lives. It’s something we all need to remember.
(This blog post is scattered, but I’m publishing it because I want to break out of the writer’s block and put myself out there. I am going to start blogging more about yoga and Buddhism because it’s what has kept me going.)