Do You Feel Like a Version of Yourself?

I turn to this blog when I am feeling lonely. I wish I could nurture it at other times. But so often, when life is motoring along a steady course, I don’t exactly feel bipolar. I take my medication; I get enough sleep every night; I live my life. And so I forget about this blog.

I oftentimes log on with the intention of deleting the blog altogether: but then–in the same way I can’t ever destroy a journal or a letter that once meant anything to me–I leave it alone.

It’s without warning (don’t you hate that it oftentimes feels like it just hits you?), that my depression sets in. I mean, if I’m being honest, the depression I’m feeling right now was probably triggered by the terrible break up I went through a few months ago. Still, for a while, I was handling my life with a kind of grace that made friends say to me, “Wow–you are doing so well.”

But now I’m not.

Now, with my depressive brain, I am thinking all of the things I always think when I get depressed: you are a failure; you are stupid; you must have driven your ex-boyfriend away; you have a terrible job.  The only nice thing about these thoughts is that I’m experienced in living this life of a medicated yet still moody manic-depressive, and I know that they’re fleeting. I know that I will feel better soon. If I didn’t have that to hold on to, it would be hard to get through the day.

And so that’s how I live. Always a version of myself, not quite sure when this person I am is going to disappear into something happier, sadder, angrier, more energetic. And for this reason, I’m never exactly sure who I ever was in the first place.

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6 thoughts on “Do You Feel Like a Version of Yourself?

  1. I’m with you on this one! I recently said to my Dad that I’m bored of Bipolar. That’s because most of the time it isn’t an issue for me anymore, and I’ve got another illness that dominates my life *sigh*.

    Regular posting is difficult, especially when you’ve got other good or bad stuff going on. I always go back to the question: why did I start this blog? That seems to help spur me on.

    Besides, I don’t have time to read all the blogs I follow and I find yours easy to keep up with. So thanks :)

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  2. Your bringing my tears out. The pain I feel of not really “knowing” whom I might be from one day to the next has struck me too this week, in the form of confusion and depression. Thank you for your post, it’s much appreciated. Glad to see you are keeping things going. I also have considered deleting my blog, yet I have to remind myself that the journal is more important than I sometimes think. Now if I could only get myself to write something on it.

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  3. Pingback: IMPRISONED DARK | hastywords

  4. Chills.

    It is exhausting in here, too (my head). I also ignore this blog when I am feeling okay. I think that it has been 9 months or so since I have logged in or posted. I had been going through a med change when I was posting like crazy…ha, get it? Crazy?

    It is nice to read your passing thoughts…they’re well written and quite relevant to me. Thank you. =)

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    • Great to hear from you! Yes… I totally get that :) it’s hard to keep up the regular posting for sure. I keep saying I am going to and the fail miserably…

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