Finding the Courage to Continue the Blog

Tonight, all of a sudden, I started to freak out about this blog. It seemed like such a good idea a few days ago. But, as had happened to me before, I was feeling immensely paranoid that blogging about bipolar disorder could be somehow detrimental to my life, so instead of keeping the fear bottled up inside me, I thought, hey, why not write about it? The thing is that to actually blog really and truly “anonymously,” you have to go through all sorts of crazy technical hoops that I started to read about online. So I started to second guess things, partially because I’m doing this stealthily in my apartment.

As of tonight, I haven’t told anyone that I’m doing this. Most notably, not even my boyfriend, who’s sitting across the room and, I think, wondering why I am all of a sudden so much more prolific with my writing  … lately I have been trying to write creative nonfiction, and that process is much more slow and painful for me than this has been.

What I’m realizing as I write this, though, is that maybe my fear is not just about blogging about bipolar disorder specifically, but about all the things I’m always afraid of: being judged, not being good enough, failing. Maybe my doubts about this blog are something I need to push through. I need to listen to my own advice from earlier today and adapt the growth mindset. God, I wrote that post a few hours ago and still need reminding to think that way!

I need to remind myself that I know I will make mistakes along the way here, but the reason why I want to blog about my life and about bipolar disorder is not to convey anything perfectly. It’s to connect with others who can share my experiences. It’s to illuminate some of the things I’ve learned about managing this disease for others who may be just starting out on the journey of managing. And then I hope that we can, as a community, begin to alleviate the stigma we all feel.

And so I have to say that with the commencement of this blog (again), I feel as if I am crossing over some imaginary line. This time, I hope to stay on this side of that line and not go back to my old ways of not expressing what I want to say about myself and the illness because of, well, fear.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Finding the Courage to Continue the Blog

  1. now i am reading your blog posts from another continent… and hope you are doing well… i hope that you are doing so well as you don’t feel to bother yourself writing about stuff including mood swings, anymore.

    hugs…
    f.

    Like

  2. I hope you find the courage to carry on blogging. I like the way you write, and there are lot of really supportive people around here who have lots of useful information, and will be your cheerleaders when you feel a bit wobbly.

    I understand your worries about it impacting negatively on your life, but usually, if you don’t use your own name and have more people who aren’t part of your daily life as commenters/followers, it’d take some actual effort to uncover your identity.

    I’ve had people I know in recruitment run their usual candidate search on me, and it didn’t turn up any of my online accounts. They say it won’t unless you use your own name or your regular email address.

    As for friends and family, that’s a judgment call. I started out totally anonymous from all but one of them as well. But I’ve slowly started telling a few of my close friends and their reactions have surprised me. I’ve either been right, and they’re just not interested and haven’t read it. Or they’ve sat down and read the entire thing, and then come back and said they’ve found that it really helped them to understand me better, and they think they have a better idea of how to be supportive now.

    No-one, either known to me or otherwise, has said anything negative about my blog. I think most people are far too polite be mean about writing that’s mainly about your own mental health. I thin k the nasty comments tend be on blogs that write about controversial topics.

    I’m sorry, I know this has turned into a long comment, but I hope that some of what i said might reassure you. With the blogging experience I’ve had I’m very pro-blogging as way to help with dealing with things.

    Like

    • Thanks so much for this! There really have been so many supportive people (like you) already reading the blog. The encouragement really helps, and it’s great to know that you’ve had a good experience with your blog … I really am going to try to keep on going. It’s been very cathartic to write and connect with others through the blog.

      Like

  3. It’s great that you are recognising the reasons why you may not be wanting to stick with your blog, and it sounds like those reasons are things that you need to overcome. I can tell you that I have never had anyone make a horrible comment about my blog. I’m sure people who have more readers do get the odd one here and there, but ultimately, it seems that the people in this community are supportive and kind and if somebody does start to attack you, your readers will most likely rally in support! I know I will!

    At different times I’ve felt weird about blogging. Often times I’ve felt narcissistic and wondered why I should think that what I have to say would be important to anyone else. Truly though, writing is important to me. I love writing, and I want to write other things one day. So writing about Bipolar is great practice, and it allows me to share a part of my life that I don’t share with anyone really.

    I hope you stick with it because I like your writing. But if you choose not to, then that’s okay too. I just hope it’s for good reasons like “this isn’t actually that important to me” as opposed to “I’m afraid of negative consequences that may or may not eventuate”.

    Sara

    Like

  4. I totally agree. When I got the additional diagnosis of bpd this summer, I decided I needed to start a new blog and at first I thought it needed to be just about bipolar but then i thought it would be just the place where I dumped all my negativity and fear and I didn’t want to do that – so I’m trying to figure out how to balance things out without revealing “too much.” It’s a challenge.

    Like

    • It really is a balance, I agree. I’m so compelled to write all the things I’m not able to say in “real life,” and so many of those things are negative. But there are a lot of positive things too, so I’m trying to channel those things as well … thanks for the comment.

      Like

  5. Stick to it. Sounds like you have a lot to offer as well as share. This blog is a perfect start to breaking down some of those fears. I had that same fear. Personally, I’d read your blog. :-)The bipolar thing is fairly close to home. So yeaaa. Stick with it ! :-)

    Like

  6. I can understand you not wanting to be the poster girl for bipolar…I don’t either. I keep it to myself 90% of the time, and only share it with people if I truly think they are open-minded enough to be allowed in. When I was first diagnosed, I told everyone in my family because they had been watching me for the last 6 months losing my mind. Moving 3,000 miles away…then crawling back 2 weeks later. Losing weight, suffering from anxiety, plucking all of my eyebrows out, starting to drink WAY too much…all of these things I crammed into a short period of time. Yes, I had always been mildly nutty…impulsive…a risk-taker…but I have NEVER fallen down or lost control.

    Once I had a diagnosis and I started the meds that brought me back down to Earth, I was so happy to have an explanation of my behavior, so I told everyone. Unfortunately, they weren’t as excited as I was. One of my sisters has still not spoken to me since that day. She thinks that I allowed my husband to “convince” me that I was crazy and “let” him medicate me. My mother feels the same, but she texts me now (we still haven’t spoken). I received more unsupportive communication from my family than I ever thought possible. I was devastated. I still am!

    It took me a very long time to let go and continue on with my life with them in the wake of it all. I will still be here when they feel like coming around and listening to me…really listening. It has been over 2 1/2 years. This experience really made me feel like I could not tell people about it. I was so afraid of that rejection…who wants to feel that again?

    I am not sure of your network of family and friends would disapprove of your blogging, but I hope that you don’t give it up just for that reason. I know that doing things in secret feels terrible, and that will certainly weigh on you if you cannot talk about it with your family and loved ones. I was nervous to tell my husband that I was communicating this way, too! He cannot STAND sharing any of our personal, private information with people…not even our closest friends. I am an open book and have to try very hard to shut my mouth. I dropped my daughter off for a sleepover the other night and left after talking to the mom for 30 minutes…I felt like an idiot all night because my middle name is T.M.I.. I am sure she did not even notice, but my God…I will tell you that my Sister has been arrested twice and court ordered to anger management within the first 10 minutes of meeting you. And that is what I did!!! Ugh.

    Judgement sucks and second-guessing yourself sucks even worse, but you are right about one thing. Growth is uncomfortable and we need to break out of that zone in order to make progress. What I do when I need to weigh my options (I used to just try to make everyone happy) is decide if it will benefit me or hurt me. If it will not hurt me, or anyone that I love, I am willing to try. I have learned not to be embarrassed because it seems that most people seem to forget about us long before we forgive ourselves for the mistake…sometimes, even within our own families.

    I really find your posts comforting and responding to them feels therapeutic, but whatever you decide, just make sure you do what is best for you. That’s all I got for now! =)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s