Tonight, all of a sudden, I started to freak out about this blog. It seemed like such a good idea a few days ago. But, as had happened to me before, I was feeling immensely paranoid that blogging about bipolar disorder could be somehow detrimental to my life, so instead of keeping the fear bottled up inside me, I thought, hey, why not write about it? The thing is that to actually blog really and truly “anonymously,” you have to go through all sorts of crazy technical hoops that I started to read about online. So I started to second guess things, partially because I’m doing this stealthily in my apartment.
As of tonight, I haven’t told anyone that I’m doing this. Most notably, not even my boyfriend, who’s sitting across the room and, I think, wondering why I am all of a sudden so much more prolific with my writing … lately I have been trying to write creative nonfiction, and that process is much more slow and painful for me than this has been.
What I’m realizing as I write this, though, is that maybe my fear is not just about blogging about bipolar disorder specifically, but about all the things I’m always afraid of: being judged, not being good enough, failing. Maybe my doubts about this blog are something I need to push through. I need to listen to my own advice from earlier today and adapt the growth mindset. God, I wrote that post a few hours ago and still need reminding to think that way!
I need to remind myself that I know I will make mistakes along the way here, but the reason why I want to blog about my life and about bipolar disorder is not to convey anything perfectly. It’s to connect with others who can share my experiences. It’s to illuminate some of the things I’ve learned about managing this disease for others who may be just starting out on the journey of managing. And then I hope that we can, as a community, begin to alleviate the stigma we all feel.
And so I have to say that with the commencement of this blog (again), I feel as if I am crossing over some imaginary line. This time, I hope to stay on this side of that line and not go back to my old ways of not expressing what I want to say about myself and the illness because of, well, fear.