Finding Solace in a Blog Post

I neglect this blog. I forget about it. Sometimes for a few months. Sometimes for close to a year. I wish I maintained it, and I’m at a point once again where I really want to begin posting on here regularly. Because every few months, without fail, there’s something that happens to make me feel so deeply trapped inside myself that there is nowhere else to turn other than this blog. I know that no one is actively “listening” to me, but there’s some small chance that someone will hear me and understand, and that’s solace. My diary, well, that’s something that my boyfriend might find so it’s somehow less private than the internet.  He’s as loving as they come, but he doesn’t have the strength to deal with the negativity that seeps into my psyche when I get like this. Part of what makes living with bipolar disorder so hard, even if I have it mostly under control, is that it’s not really OK to talk about it.

And I know, I know. I sound self-serious and dramatic. I can step outside myself, for a moment, and know that in a few days I will probably feel better. But that doesn’t make right now feel much better. I’m at work, sitting at my desk, and I know I’m lucky to have this job and this relatively stable life. But today, I can barely keep it together. Everything and everyone is making me angry. I didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t eat enough for lunch today.

My boyfriend reminds me when I’m home that I need to take a walk, to do some yoga, to get outside of my head. And he is right. Beyond the medication, the secret to this disease is taking care of yourself. It’s sleep and food and exercise. All of the things you don’t want to do when you’re feeling like you’ve fallen into some deep, dark cavern of your brain and don’t quite know how to find your way out.


6 thoughts on “Finding Solace in a Blog Post

  1. Awwww, I am so glad to hear that you appreciated my comments. I am not a social media person, at all, so this is rare for me to even read blogs or comment on them. I gave it (all social media) up after my diagnosis 2.5 years ago because I embarrassed myself many, many times plus completely confused my family by what I posted versus how I really felt. It was a mess~ I made everyone hate my husband (because I did not know it was the Bipolar making me miserable…I blamed him), but my husband was the only person standing there when the dust settled from the mess I made with his hand out to help me back up. I could never have stood by someone who did what I did.

    I posted a response an hour ago, but it is not here. I can’t remember what all I said, but I know that I addressed the negativity you felt you expressed in your post. Yeah…I feel like all that I do sometimes is complain and hate everything, and I find myself getting on my own nerves. I can find something negative about ANYTHING! I think its funny most times, but it is annoying. I grew up on the west coast (California, Nevada, Arizona) where happiness is shoved down everyone’s throat, but 7 years ago I moved here…to NJ…and I assimilated. Its fun, though.

    I found your blog when I was searching for info about what it is like switching to Depakote. I went from Lithium to Depakote back in April or May of this year (Lithium was wrecking my thyroid and kidney, apparently) and it SUCKED. My anxiety went sky high and I was nasty and irritable for 2 months. I panicked about possible weight gain, so I tried to head it off at the pass, but I actually had the opposite result; I lost 5. I take Wellbutrin every morning and also some xanax when I need to take it down a notch. Anyway, I was googling Depakote experiences and that is how I found you! I read your words and they calmed me down during that time. You are very open and matter-of-fact, which is rare. You write very well and if you were serious about “finishing that novel,” you should! A memoir, perhaps!? A memoir is on my bucket list. I have got some serious stories to tell. Have you ever seen an after school special on TV from back in the day? All of them are about my childhood! I swear.

    P.S.: Perky people are liars


    • I love it–perky people are liars. That should be the title of YOUR memoir. Seriously, you also write very well, I can tell just from your comments, so you should get cracking on your childhood stories! Thank you for the encouragement about my writing … I have definitely considered a memoir and have been writing nonfiction lately. I don’t think I’m as honest when I write things out from under this veil of anonymity. It’s hard because I have such a fear of being judged, and like you’ve experienced, it’s definitely possible to write something online that hurts other people inadvertently.

      The negativity gets hard: I guess we just have to do our best to both fight it and accept it all at once.

      I’m so happy that the posts about Depakote helped you. I’ve been on this drug for 13 years–every single day for 13 years pretty much. And I also take Wellbutrin (and a few other things). I take Wellbutrin in the morning and the evening. Sometimes I forget to take the morning pill, but lately I have such terrible PMS I am realizing that the morning dose may be necessary especially during that week.


  2. I read this post feeling like it was something I had written. It rings so true and no we can’t talk about it. Yes I want to be an advocate but not at the price of being a poster child for mental disorders. I am having one of those days too, yet for weeks things have been great. It’s amazing how quickly stability can feel pulled just out of reach. I know it will pass but that’s little consolation for the moments of feeling down. I am with you 100%.

    I subscribed to your blog months ago now and it’s great to have you writing. Sending all positive vibes!




    • Thanks so much for your kind words, Sarah. Sending you positive vibes back, and I hear you about wanting to speak out about mental illness but not face the inevitable stigma attached to it. Tomorrow, I think, will be better than today!


  3. I came across your blog a while back and signed up to get your updates. This is the first one that was sent since signing up! I feel like you could be my long-lost twin sister. The identical kind…not the fraternal kind. I am 36, work full time, school at night part-time and have a 12 year old daughter (God help her). I am balanced out as best I can be, too, but I have those DAYS and my husband knows just by the way I say good morning…with my insecure look of suspicion that he is going to somehow hurt me today. Yeah…crazy. =) I flip out at work on someone specific who annoys me almost quarterly. He doesn’t deserve the level of anger that I give to him, but he does deserve my disapproval. I try hard to fit walking and yoga in, too, but sometimes pizza and soda are so much better. I also lose myself in my Kindle more than I should.

    The last time I felt inside myself, I sought out the locations and times to local support group meetings and I decided that I was finally going to go. Well, there wasn’t one for another week and by that time, I felt better and threw the papers away. I tell my husband that I want to talk to someone who is like me…thinks like me…is a girl…is very self-aware…and can express herself with humor and wit! I think awful highly of myself, don’t I? Anyway, I have no idea what kind of people are at support group meetings, but you seem to be the type of person that I would be looking for. I enjoy reading your blogs. I really can relate to 99% of what you say~ So, thanks.

    And hang in there! Crazy could be over by Sunrise!


    • Wow thanks so much for your comment. You won’t believe this, but I was actually logging back onto this website to DELETE my post because I thought it was too negative and I was feeling really really bad about writing it! So I cannot tell you how much I appreciate hearing from you … more than you could ever imagine. Besides encouraging me to keep the post up, it’s so helpful to know that someone else relates. I was feeling so alone with these thoughts before. And then I found myself thinking, after I wrote the post and went back to work and saw some other random Tweets from friends, why can’t I just be perky and pay more attention to the news and stop dwelling on my own stupid invented crises?

      Like you, I have often thought about joining a support group, but then by the time I do any leg work on it I feel better. And like you, I try so hard to fit in walking and yoga but I often cling to books or my own thoughts.

      Thanks so much for your kind thoughts, again. You’ve inspired me to keep writing.

      Hope you have a great weekend, and I’m already having a better Friday because of you!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s