Sunday Depression

I think the traditional notion of Sunday depression is that people feel it because they have to go back to work the next day. But I’m usually OK with that. Unless it’s a day like today. I don’t know why, all of a sudden, I feel so worthless.  I didn’t feel worthless last week.  Or most of the weekend. But today, after my boyfriend left this morning to go back home and do productive things like exercise, I found myself climbing back into bed and going back to sleep just because I couldn’t face the day.

When I feel depressed, I have an overwhelming sensation that I just don’t matter.  I can’t believe that I’m in my 30s and I’ve ‘done nothing’ with my life. Today is one of those days. Other days, I know, I will feel as if I did accomplish something with getting a graduate degree and with other successes in my life/career, no matter how relatively small they may be. But today, all I can think about is the things I haven’t done. The stories I haven’t finished writing. The photos I haven’t taken.  I start to feel sorry for myself and then angry with myself.

I was so depressed November/December. Before that I was hypomanic. A few weeks ago, I thought I was getting hypomanic again, but now this.  Going off the Seroquel last week was maybe a bad idea.  My doctor let me, but she also said it probably wasn’t the best time to rock the boat when I was doing so well. Now, as I sit here feeling so stupidly sorry for myself, I think I agree with her.

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4 thoughts on “Sunday Depression

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I have the perfect boyfriend, the perfect life, in some peoples eyes. I think drugs can help you maintain sobriety, But they never will make you balanced. That’s what bi/polar is. It’a mood disorder that starts in the brain. We are not mad!!! People like Stephen Fry, Vincent Van Gogh, Carrie Fisher, and just to top it off Winston Churchill. Churchill was reported as having a big black dog coming upon him, we know know this was a form a manic depression, which is now called bipolar. You are not alone, my boyfriend holds down a respectable well paid job. Sometimes when he get’s home, he finds me wearing pyjamas, that I have been wearing for almost a week, I neglect my personal hygience, e.g. not having a bath or shower for up to 5 days. I have just started my own blog, but I’m scared about revealing personal details in public.

    But on the plus side, this week I have been sorting my life out, I have been to the doctors for a thorough health check, I’m enrolling on an course for humanities and social science. Reading your blog has brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me so much of myself, but at the same time inspires me to take control of my life. Good luck and God bless. X

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  2. …the thing about depression is it actively works against our ability to recall the times when we weren’t depressed. We look at the moments in photos that made us happy, or when we were happy, and we’re surprised when all we feel is depression… but that’s what happens when we’re depressed: we feel depressed.

    I hope everything is going good. Just try to remember that depression ends. They’re like hiccups that way, you become obsessed when they happen, and forget they were there when they’re gone.

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  3. I have been off Seroquel for some time now, so I know the feeling. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, almost too easy to crawl back to that comfortable hole. I find you have two options: either to be on seroquel and deal with the effects there or be off of it and manage the best you can, ride the mood train as I say. One tends to be better than the other, but you have to make sure you’re in the right stable spot before getting rid of the Seroquel.

    Thanks for keeping a wordpress. I can obviously relate to your posts.

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