I haven’t felt bipolar in many months. So many months that I forgot about this blog. I stopped posting. I wish I hadn’t, because what’s interesting is that I’ve done so much in the past months, but what’s also interesting is that the things that I’ve done have been–potentially–helped and not hindered by this disorder. For that reason, I felt no need to dwell on the bipolar. Instead, I rode the wave of hypomania. I got job promotions. I fell in love. I finished projects so quickly people around me were either amazed or pissed off by my overzealous nature.
All the while, I knew that some of what was happening–some of what I was feeling –was going to end. I knew I was going to crash. But I didn’t care. I just kept going, telling myself that maybe that person who didn’t need a lot of sleep and could work 12 hour days without blinking was just the new me. Maybe I’d found a new confidence and place in the world with this amazing job.
But it turns out that the job wasn’t amazing. It was actually me looking at the world through this lens of I-can-do-anything– that’s what made the job seem like something I wanted to do so wholeheartedly. Now, the hypomania has subsided and I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. I feel completely lost, and on top of that, worthless.
If I could admit myself to a hospital and stare at a wall for a few weeks until this ends–as I have to believe it will–I would. My brain is telling me awful things. “Life is not worth it.” “You will never be good enough.” “You’re ugly.” But it’s a litany of nonsense I’ve heard before and while I suffer from it, I will not become a victim to it. I can still ACT as if everything is fine, and I can and will ride this out. However, inside, I feel as if I no longer want to participate in my own life, and that’s a tough thing to deal with.
What’s most confusing is that I guess the hypomanic feelings of security and happiness and grandiosity are also an illusion. But that’s an illusion I can live with.
What I think I will read because I am paralyzed to do anything but think about all of this tonight: