Still in bed

I don’t feel sad or happy this morning. I just feel empty. Took all my pills last night. Well, I almost always take all my pills, but, there’s the dance I do with taking and then not taking the Seroquel that had me so wired and excited yesterday, until it got to be night. I couldn’t fall asleep until I took a Lunesta, and had I skipped the Seroquel, I wouldn’t have slept through the night.

Mornings are the hardest time for me. I wish I were one of those people who could just wake up without hitting the snooze button four hundred times. One of those people who always gets to work on time, who cooks herself breakfast.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m 30-years-old, but I don’t know what I want out of life, really. So often my goal has to be so simple: get out of bed. It’s hard to keep track of the larger trajectory of my life when I’m riding on these mood swings. But I don’t want to take any more Depakote. I refuse to gain that weight again.

And so I’m stuck, feeling nothing. Not sure what I want. For now, I am going to get out of bed and go to work.

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4 thoughts on “Still in bed

  1. I can’t agree more about everything. I am bi-polar 1 and getting out of bed is the hugest chore in the world. I try to explain to my boyfriend and family how I feel but it seems impossible for anyone to understand. The ser. is legit the devil. Get off that shit ASAP! First of all it made me gain like 60 pounds and it makes getting out of bed torture. However, the downside is that I NEVER sleep (during the night) Now that I might get a job I can’t even imagine what its going to be like. I take lunesta (strongest dose) but not even that works. Sometimes I wish I was just normal! Nobody “gets” it as much as they try. I need a support group ASAP!

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  2. I’d found your blog through a google search of memory loss and bipolar, and in reading this, I’d really like to suscribe to your blog. Is there a way I can do that? (I’m looking but I can’t find it!)

    The words – “I can’t get out of my own head. I try to crawl up out from whatever mood has taken hold to see the world as it really is, not tinted by the greys of my depressions or the purples, reds, yellows of my mania. It makes me feel like a narcissist, drowning in details, being unable to see out into what’s really important. But it’s not that I’m in love with my own image like Narcissus staring into a pool of water. It’s that I never know where my image is, exactly. So instead of looking out into the world, I’m chasing after my own face.”

    is just…omg. So….so absolutely WHAT IT IS LIKE. People assume that I’m obsessed with myself and what I feel. Not necessarily. I’m obsessed with trying to find the world outside of my head.

    I really really am grateful to see someone blogging so honestly about this.

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  3. I have this same problem every single day. I think the seroquel plays a big role though. It seems to leave a hangover feeling in the morning.

    Blah.

    Silly Bipolar Disorder.

    I like your blog though :)

    Annie

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  4. I think sometimes all we can do is make those small goals, like to get out of bed everyday. It feels terrible to have such minute by minute goals, but sometimes it is the best way to keep yourself moving and healthy. Don’t get down on yourself cause it sounds like you are working very hard.

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