I feel old, at thirty. I feel as if when I was first working at P, there was this power I gained every time someone made the mistake of thinking I was one of my students, of thinking I was still in high school. There was power in being twenty-two, in having that stretch of possibility that was my twenties extending out in front of me.

Now I’m looking back on this decade and I don’t know what happened. It’s been four years since M and I broke up. Four years and I’m still doing the online dating thing, still going to sleep by myself, still sleeping with idiots who I don’t care about, who don’t care about me.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and I’m also too hard on myself to recognize anything that I might be doing right.

Meanwhile, my relationship with H finally ended just before the new year after I finally accepted that he just, to use the cliched phrase, was not that into me. I’d spent months and months waiting for his phone calls, for his texts, for his e-mails. There would be small bursts of communication from him and then nothing, and I was totally consumed by him. I couldn’t see my way out of it. Couldn’t see that I was miserable, that he had done nothing to make me happy. Of course, I know that I need to look to myself to find happiness, not to someone else.

Still, there is this hope, deep within me, that I will be able to find someone.

Last night, I sent this guy an e-mail who looks kind of lame, but I thought, at least he’ll e-mail me back and then we can go on a date and it will be something to do this weekend.  I awoke to an empty inbox. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and I also don’t know why I’m so craving the attention, why I can’t be happy on my own.  I feel as if not having someone else to go to sleep with means I’m not anchored, means I’m adrift.

I also hate that I still miss M. That I was thinking about him last night, wishing he was beside me. It’s so cliché. It’s so predictable. I’ve missed him for four years. He will never want me back.


2 thoughts on “Thirty

  1. Hey,
    There is this book. white oleander by janet is the quote from it. I try to belive in those words when I’m feeling lonely.

Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
    In the film, those words are spoken by Michelle Pfeiffer.

    Maybe this would cheer You up a little. I’m 24 and I didnt even had the moment of feeling ” that stretch of possibility extending” in my life.

    I don’t want to talk in details about myself. since 5 years Im living on my own in foreign country. life situation? something like Max form 2 broke girls. no family,money or help.unique exception, Im struggling to finish my bachelor since 5 years.

    Think about Your life that You got Your twenties, your hopes and mistakes.
    my life with friends, full of hypomanic epsiodes,hopes for future and even good grades ended with high school. and now its a survival. sometimes I feel just like a rat with mental disorder.

    You got Your twenties. I already lost them.dont think about years behind you. you are loosing present which you are going to miss even more in few years.


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