the devil is caffeine

I am so mad. This morning I woke up in such a good mood. I rode the subway to work and actually had the thought, “wow, I feel like a normal person probably feels–not too high, not too low–just normal.” But I took my full dose of Seroquel last night and slept 10 hours.  So I also felt annoyed that I had to sleep for so long to feel OK.

I mean, on what planet do people sleep for 10 hours?

So when I got to work, I decided to get an iced coffee. And then after I placed the order, I looked up for a second and said, “Wait–I’ll have an iced latte, actually.”  Honestly, drinking espresso in any form at any time, for me, is like injecting the caffeine into my veins. It’s so fucking stupid. But I did it because I felt so calm that I wanted the extra jolt.  In hindsight, this makes no sense. I was well rested. I didn’t need a pick me up.

Now it’s past midnight and I have no Lunesta left because I forgot to pick it up from the pharmacy earlier.  I don’t feel like taking extra Seroquel, but I feel so wound up that all I can do is surf the internet and skate from one thought to the next. I can’t imagine sleeping or calming down. And I’m not even excited in a good way.  I’m just revved up and upset with myself for not going to the pharmacy.

If I hadn’t sucked down the latte I would be fine. I’d be asleep.  I could have ordered a damn Chai. Instead, I succumbed to having that morning high and now I can’t come down from it. Tomorrow I’ll feel like crap as well.

Caffeine, indeed, is the devil.

Sorry for all the whining and carrying on.  I just wish I could sleep.

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2 thoughts on “the devil is caffeine

  1. Pingback: The Cost of Caffeine « a bipolar life

  2. When I was on Seroquel, I was sleeping 10 – 12 hours a night. I couldn’t go any higher on the dosage without sleeping more, but even at that dosage, I wasn’t completely medicated. Things have been a lot easier since I switched over to Risperdal (risperidone), although I’m not as outgoing as I used to be (probably on account of me not being hypo-manic on a regular basis).

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