Dancing With Seroquel

no one drugged their way out of this kind of mania...

no one drugged their way out of this kind of mania...

When I start to get manic, there are some things I always notice about my changing behavior before it becomes wide-eyed craziness. (I didn’t think I was anywhere close to manic until this morning, but here I am, feeling way way way “up.”) Actually, I haven’t had a full-blown manic episode that’s landed me in the hospital in 10 years; since that 28-day hospitalization in college, I’ve flirted with mania and often become what the professionals term “hypomanic.”

Now that I’ve clarified that. When I’m hypomanic (still able to go to work/school/not completely delusional), it feels like great fun for a little while. What I feel is utterly grateful to be walking around on this beautiful planet. Literally, I will think to myself, “I’m beautiful. I’m great. I’m so lucky to be alive.”  I’ll buy clothes. I’ll flirt with everyone in my path.  I’ll come up with some big project that, in my mind, is the most ingenious idea anyone has ever had.

But then  I do something really stupid. Then the bubble bursts. I send a really inappropriate e-mail to an ex-boyfriend or co-worker. I am at a party, and I find it necessary to monopolize everyone’s attention, but then I can’t remember what the hell I’m saying. Finishing sentences becomes impossible because my thoughts are slippery inside my head. Things start to crumble.

It’s once I get embarrassed and/or scared by the hypomania (and sometimes this is just because the reality of being in a state mental hospital 10 years ago is still so vivid in my mind) that I douse the manic fire with 14 hours of Seroquel-induced sleep followed by a Seroquel hangover that has me in a state where I’ve all but forgotten the unabated bliss I felt before drugging myself the night before.

I only take a very low dose of Seroquel on a nightly basis, but last night I skipped it entirely.

I just felt like I wanted to get up early this morning.

I felt like I was sick of the Seroquel.

That little pink pill was annoying me.

And sadly, maybe I am searching for a little mania, even if I know it’s bad for me.

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One thought on “Dancing With Seroquel

  1. Hello, I’m not sure if you’re still keeping this blog up, but I’m researching this “hypo mania” as I’ve been recently diagnosed. Your statements above MIRROR ME TO THE T! It was soothing to actually hear (read) this, its almost like I wrote it for myself. I can totally relate. I’m not sure I want to treat my hypo mania, I feel good like this, but as you stated above the risky behaviors is the kicker. I’d much rather try to work this our “behaviorally” if at all possible. Thing is I’m tired as hell, but my mind races on. I have the exact prescriptions as you, I might take the ‘quel tonight. Just so I can sleep God dammit,.

    Like

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