I know I’m moving into a depressed state, or coming down from a more manic high, when I decide, definitively, “I have no friends.” This is literally something I repeat to myself, over and over again, like some whiny third grade girl who didn’t get invited to a birthday party.
Is it true? (The part about me having no friends.) Let’s see. I went to a party last night. I’m having dinner with a girlfriend tonight. I have a boyfriend, and I’d consider him my best friend. Lest you consider those things boasting on my part, don’t get me wrong: I feel terrible right now. I feel hypercritical about my life. Last night, at this party, all I could think about was how I had nothing to say, really, which of course hindered my ability to have anything interesting to say, and about how no one was really interested in talking to me.
Today, all I’ve focused on is how, lately, I’m the one who initiates contact with my friends. This must be indicative of the fact that no one really likes me. Naturally.
And the thing is this: I know the thoughts are ridiculous. I really do. But I feel them nonetheless. It’s a sadness that weighs me down. All I can do is tell myself that the negativity is induced by chemicals, by the bad weather, by god knows what else, and remember how truly grateful I am for my friends and for my family.
Even if I can’t–or don’t–experience gratitude as fully as I would like to all the time.
I’m so glad I found your blog. I can completely relate to what you’re talking about in this post, I also know that I have a lot to be grateful for but I very often struggle to feel as though I’m truly liked or that I have any friends. Knowing something on an intellectual level (and indeed on a deeper emotional level) is not the same as believing it to be true or feeling it every minute of every day. That’s probably not helpful to you, but I just wanted you to know this really resonated with me and I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I agree with the above. Reading in to your blog I’ve found many similarities within the two of us granted I can only know as much as you give me to read. Any who it felt good to feel that someone completely out of my situation shed relevance to my life. I may make one of these word presses myself and link you so that I can return the favour.